The Time I Blew Pluto Out of Orbit
This story began as a school project in 1992. It ended as a science project at a different school in 1994. I was glad to finish this story. I was as glad as I had been when I started writing it, because I had nothing very interesting to write about. It is now 2002, and ttibpoo, as I often refer to it, is being presented to you by the modern miracle of Optical Character Recognition. Optical Character Recognition is the process by which one can easily scan a printed page into a computer, and see it magically appear in a word processor with every word misspelled.
Chapters one through three, the 'first half', were composed in my 6th grade 'lower school' class, ironically one year after I graduated from 'elementary school'. Nearly as ironic, after twelve years of grade school and a few at college, this remains to be my longest written production of all time. Any seemingly entertaining elements of this story were originally introduced because I was required to read each completed chapter to my 6th grade classmates. After discovering I had an ability to push a pencil faster than I could sometimes think of what to write, I made a conscious decision to hope for something fun to appear while I watched my hand move across the page of its own free will. My thinking was that I would eventually have to read the scribbly mess to my peers, and seeing as how it was going to be a lengthy scribbly mess, I didn't want to put anyone to sleep.
Chapters four through six, the 'other half', were composed in my 8th grade writing and science classes, a year after graduating from the 'lower school'. I was now in 'middle school', which thankfully did not have any formal graduation ceremony. If you have ever been in 8th grade, you would know that nobody deserves a graduation afterward.
You see, chapters four and five were written under the direct pessimism of Mrs. Schoolteacher. This is a woman who could find everything wrong with your work, but never seemed to notice if one of her minions had put a foreign substance in her coffee. Never mind what that foreign substance may have been.
I happen to know as a fact (by first-hand hearsay) that Mrs. Schoolteacher once found herself super glued to the chair behind her own desk. I witnessed such a hilarity myself when in the middle of watching this story write itself, the classroom television spontaneously flicked on. The grouch stood up from behind her desk, walked across the room and turned off the TV with an expression of inexplicable irritation. She walked back across the room, plopped down behind her desk, and continued her grading in restored silence.
Just as the monotony of being in a quiet classroom had retaken its hold on my mind, the TV flicked back on. The previous events took place repeatedly and in the same order several times in a row. As Mrs. Schoolteacher's discontent of the television set rose to a boil, it was amusing to note that any impartial observer would have had no trouble spotting the student who held a universal remote control. A light bulb could be seen fizzling to a very faint glow inside the grouch's head when she eventually unplugged the TV set instead of turning it off again. As she turned around to walk back across the room, the classmate of mine, universal controller in hand, ran to the front of the room, plugged the TV back in, and ran back to his seat before Mrs. Schoolteacher completed the journey back to her desk or even noticed where this guy was. When the TV flicked on several minutes later, it was possible to see every single human emotion zapping out from the edges of her brain and colliding all together somewhere in the middle to ultimately have no end result.
Ttibpooo is a lot like that.
CHAPTER 1
Hi, my name is Ralph. Two days ago I started preschool. I was real nervous. I am one of those kids that's very curious and gets into trouble all the time. Now I am going to tell you about a little adventure I had last week.
I think it was last Thursday and I had a crazy thought. For some reason I decided I wanted to blow Pluto out of orbit (which doesn't sound that hard in the first place), so I got working right away. The first thing I had to do was find some transportation to Pluto. I knew it wouldn't be that easy to hitch a ride, so I went into my brother Bart's room and got one of his model rockets.
Next, I needed some fuel. I remembered that my dad always kept a large supply of fireworks in case of an emergency. So, I went into our garage and found the large crate. Inside there were big ones, very big ones. There were small ones, round ones, and fat ones. All the fireworks you could ever want. I found one that just might fit. So, I yanked the engine mount out of the rocket; and it just fit with a little shove.
It was getting dark and I could hear my dad yelling at the top of his lungs, "DINNER".
Now I had to find some place to hide the rocket. I remembered my secret hideout in the attic of the garage. This was something I discovered two months ago while searching for my G.I. Joe action figure.
I pulled over a trash can and climbed on. I kept one foot on the trash can and put the other on a nail in the wall. I balanced myself by grabbing a beam in the wall. (There was no drywall in the garage.)
I grabbed the secret panel and pulled myself up with the handle I had put on the back of it. Then I turned around and carefully replaced the panel behind me. I was now in a tunnel that led to the attic. It was very dark and as I felt around for the light switch I felt something crawling on my hand. I franticly searched for the switch. My hand quickly ran over the damp wall. Finally I found it. I turned it on and brought my gaze over to my hand. I jumped so high I hit my head on the ceiling of the tunnel (which wasn't very high). On my hand there was the biggest spider that I had ever seen in my life. Normally I was not scared of spiders but this one really knew how to scare me.
This light switch turned on all the lights in the attic. During my first time in the attic I discovered that there were no windows in the attic, which was good because I didn't want anybody to see me up there. After I settled down I crawled through the long tunnel. At the end of the tunnel there was a ladder.
I went up the ladder with the rocket, then found myself in the middle of the attic, face to face with myself. I had put traps all over the attic, such as this mirror at the main entrance that I had found in the corner with a very large spider web on it. I walked over to the desk, just barely missing the trip string that turned on a light in my room. I flipped a latch that unlocked all the drawers in the desk, put the rocket in the bottom right drawer, flipped back the latch and walked over to a fake window. This was the entrance to a vertical tunnel.
It looked like a window because in it I had put a picture that I had taken with my camera. I opened it and looked inside at the tunnel that looked like a very long laundry chute. Then I got up on what looked like the window sill, and jumped. I just kept falling and falling and falling. . .
About five minutes later I landed on the pile of foam mattresses that I had placed at the bottom of the tunnel. I got up. "I just love to do that," I thought to myself. I walked along another seemingly endless tunnel. (The light switch I turned on when I first entered also lit up this tunnel.) This tunnel went underground and ended at a secret trap door in the floor of the bathroom closet. I reached the end of the tunnel and turned off the lights with another switch. This switch did the same thing as the other one. Then I climbed through the trap door. As I opened the closet door the smell of macaroni and cheese rushed in and filled my nostrils as if I had just opened the air lock to Cheese Land. I walked into the dining room, had a great dinner and then went to bed.
The next day I woke up. Except I didn't wake up the way I usually wake up. I woke up in my bed, which is really strange because I usually wake up on the floor! But lets just get to the point.
After breakfast and all that junk (I won't bore you with the details) I decided (of course who wouldn't) to get my rocket. This time I decided to go the quick way. I went into the garage and got the extension ladder. I walked towards the door and as I passed by the fireworks box I noticed that I had left it open. Also, the pile of fireworks that I put on the floor while trying to find the right one was still there. What was most amazing was that the one on top was tabled, "T.N.T.". "I could use this," I thought to myself. I picked it up and put it in my pocket, then took the ladder to the back of the garage. I extended it to full length and started my climb to the roof.
When I reached the top, I turned around then lay on my belly. I reached down, got the ladder and pulled it up. I walked over to where the two handles were sticking out of the roof. I pulled the small one, a door opened, and a sign popped out that read, "Ladder Return". I dropped the ladder into the tunnel then closed the door. This tunnel led to a door in the ceiling of the garage right above where the ladder was stored. Next I pulled the big handle. And this time when the sign popped up it read, "The Quick Way."
I climbed down the tunnel that looked like a manhole with metal steps coming out of the wall. When I got to the bottom, I kicked the wooden panel that covered the bottom of the tunnel; the panel flipped down. The door on the top closed and a ladder flipped down from the bottom that would allow me to climb down to the floor safely.
Again, I was in the attic next to another trap. This one was made of a set of mirrors that could make it look like something was there. I had placed a quarter at the first of the mirrors which made it look like it was on the floor at the foot of the ladder. If someone were to try and pick up the quarter, a button under the image would unlatch a door under the button. This would carry the person through a tunnel to the first floor. I sometimes used it for an emergency exit. I named it, "The Quick Way Out".
I'm sure some of you are wondering how I discovered all these tunnels. Well, when I first discovered the attic, I found the blueprint to the attic and all of the passages in the desk. I then found all the tunnels and started using them. They're really fun for playing spy games and things like that.
I stepped down from the ladder, watched it swing up, then went to the desk. I flipped the latch, got the rocket, and when I was about to flip it back I remembered the stick of T.N.T. in my pocket. I pulled it out of my pocket and put it in the middle drawer of the desk. I sat down in the desk chair and tried to think of what to do next. I realized that I still needed a name for my plan. Hmm.
"I'll call it 'Operation Pluto'," I said aloud. I knew I needed to keep everything confidential. So far I was doing a pretty good job of it.
I thought about transportation again. I obviously wouldn't fit in the rocket. I decided to go downstairs (or should I say the next floor) and see if I could get any ideas. I thought it would look suspicious if anyone saw me on the roof, so I decided to use "The Quick Way Out". I took the rocket, then walked over to the image of the quarter. I stepped on it and about half a second later I was on the first floor wondering if gravity didn't work fast enough in this world. I walked around looking for ideas.
CHAPTER 2
The first floor of my dad's garage looked more like a junk yard than anything. I bent over a loose floorboard, pulled it up, then carefully placed the rocket under the garage. I did this so that I wouldn't have to go upstairs to get it. Just as I replaced the floorboard my brother Bart flung the door open so hard it bounced back and slammed in his face.
He opened the door again (this time not so hard) and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Ralph, What Did you do with my rocket??!!! I thought I told you not touch my rocket!"
A thousand excuses ran through my mind. "Don't have a cow man!" was the reply.
Bart said in his toughest voice, "If you don't tell me right now what you did with my rocket, I'm gonna kick your butt out this door so hard it's gonna land on our neighbors' roof. Then, ten minutes later you're gonna fall from the sky head first and land in their compost pile."
All this took a while to register in my brain. After a few nanoseconds it entered my memory banks. The truth was my brother was weak. He couldn't even get my butt out the door. My lips were sealed. So, he kicked my butt. It didn't budge. Then I kicked his butt. Now that was a sight to see. His butt flew straight out that door, over the neighbors' fence, and smashed through the sky light on their roof. Then, it came flying back like a yo-yo; through the sky light, over the fence and re-attached itself. Bart started to cry.
"You're mean," he said in a small voice. Then he ran outside screaming, "Dad, Ralph kicked me"
I thought a few more inappropriate thoughts, then brought my mind back to the current problem--transportation. I needed something large, something I could comfortably live in for a day on my journey to Pluto. The largest thing I could find was a bathtub. Well, it was a start. I lifted it up; there was another one under it. They both had a pair of hinges on the side as if they were used to fold out from a wall.
"This is perfect," I thought, "too perfect."
They both had holes where the drain would have been. I connected the two with nuts and bolts by the hinges. With the hinges on the floor and the open end up, I climbed in. I grabbed the two drain holes and pulled the tubs together. I let go. They opened up and hit the floor with a crash. I was going to need something to hold the two sides together because I didn't feel like holding them all the way to Pluto.
I climbed out and thought of where I could get some string. I needed it to tie the rocket to the tubs. While thinking about this I retrieved the rocket and started punching holes in the fins with my pocket knife. I remembered that my dad kept string in the bathroom closet; but, if I went in the house my dad would see me and give me a half-hour time-out. I couldn't waste any time. So, I used the secret tunnel, saw myself in the mirror, then with the rocket in my hand, jumped out the fake window. When I reached the pile of foam mattresses I decided to run. At the end of the tunnel I pushed open the trap door, got the string, went back in the tunnel, then ran to the other end.
The reason why I was running was because I was eager to try my new invention, "The Anti-Gravity Machine". On the wall was a switch. I flipped it then ran out of the way. The foam mattresses shot up the tunnel so fast I didn't even see them move, they just sort of disappeared. But, they were at the top of the tunnel. The next part was hard. If I just walked into the vertical tunnel I would fly up and land head first on the mattresses. That might hurt. To keep that from happening, I had put a handle on the floor (which was now the ceiling).
"Well," I said to no one, "let's see if it works." I ran into the tunnel then quickly grabbed the handle. My feet flew up (or down however you look at it) in the air. I let go of the handle and shot up.
Five minutes later I hit the pile of foam mattresses on the ceiling of the vertical tunnel. I opened the fake window and grabbed a handle on the wall next to the window. I then turned off the anti-gravity machine with another switch and pulled myself through the window.
"That do to love just I," I thought after doing everything backwards.
So then, on the second floor of the garage with the rocket in one hand and the string in my pocket, I started to think that this was taking a lot of work. I took the string out of my pocket and ran it through each hole in the three fins of the rocket. I tied a knot in the string so that it was securely around the fins with the rest of the string hanging down.
I then decided to try another of my new inventions. I had named this invention, "The Trash Compactor". I used this invention in one of the multi-function trap doors. It could be used as an escape route or a trap. The trap door was located in the north-east corner of the attic.
When used as an escape route you first have to flip a switch behind a secret sliding panel of the wall. After flipping this switch you simply step in the corner. The corner is made of styrofoam cut into four pieces. After stepping here you fall into a small box-like room concealed between the floor of the secret attic and the ceiling of the main floor. In this room you get safely compacted into a little ball. Then the floor slides away and you roll down the rain gutter At the end is the enlarger machine which only turns on after the switch has been flipped. This is so that you don't get gallons of water coming out of the rain gutter when it is raining. If used as a trap you simply step in the corner without flipping the switch. Then you fall into the room, get compacted; the floor slides away, but, instead of going down the rain gutter you fall into a bottomless pit. The end!
As you can expect I decided to flip the switch. Just before I stepped in the corner I decided to look for something to hold the two tubs together. I went over to the desk to look for some scotch tape. I couldn't remember if I had used it all on my save-the-mosquito display. So, I flipped the latch to open the drawers. I opened the middle drawer and saw a nice big roll of scotch tape.
I pulled it out, closed the drawer, flipped the latch: but as soon as I turned around I heard a loud, "TSSSSSSsss". I looked over to where the sound had come from and saw a small hole slowly burn away in the floor. My glance quickly shifted to the ceiling where an alien was dangling by its back claws. I screamed and ran to the corner. I had already flipped the switch so I jumped.
I got quickly compacted. As the floor slid away and I fell into the rain gutter, I heard a loud, "thump," of the alien falling into the small room. I started rolling, faster and faster. I began to get very dizzy.
Then I fell out of the gutter and got enlarged at the same time. I dizzily stumbled around; the world violently spun around me. When the world decided to slow down I waited a few seconds. A huge smile came across my face.
I raised my hands high into the air, and said as if addressing the world, "I am the champion!"
After all the excitement had faded away I re-entered the main floor of the garage and placed the rocket with string, and the tape into the two attached tubs.
CHAPTER 3
I was pooped. I had had a long day and the sun was setting.
"I've had enough work for this day," I thought. So, I went to my room and retired.
The next day I woke up. Except I didn't wake up the way I usually wake up. I woke up on the ceiling, which is really strange because I usually wake up on the floor!
I sleepily rolled off the side of my bed. I noticed that I had been falling for a longer time than usual. When I hit the floor, I heard a loud grumble-like sound of all my body parts hitting the floor. I sat up wide awake. "Where did that come from?" I thought as I looked up. I had just fallen from the top of a bunk bed! My dad had said he would have a surprise for me, and boy did he ever surprise me!
I sat there for a few seconds trying to figure out if I was sleeping or awake. I looked at my hands. They were still there but I only had four green fingers on each hand. I traveled to the other side of my room and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw looked like something you'd find in one of my friend Ryan's horror stories. My clothes were gone, my feet were gone, my tummy was purple polka-dotted, my head was a red box slowly turning green and to top it off my left ear was on upside-down. As I rotated my ear I heard some strange music. Then my lid opened and out popped a deformed clown.
"I always wondered what my brain looked like," I mumbled. As I studied myself more I decided I was definitely still asleep. As my ear clicked into place I heard the door open. I turned around only to become face-to-face with my dad. His face was pale green, his hair was navy blue and his blood shot eyes reminded me of the time my hamster ran out into the road and got hit by a semi.
I can just picture the day. . . My little sister had been playing with my hamster. She said she had to go to the bathroom and asked me to keep an eye on him. I did for a while until I remembered that I hadn't done my homework. So, I just completely forgot about my hamster and went in to do my homework. My sister came out just in time to see him get smashed into the road and watch the blood squirt all over the driveway. I watched from the window. Her face turned pale and she looked like she was going to cry. Then her expression changed. She looked really pissed off. She ran into the house and got my dad's shotgun. She sprinted out and chased down the truck.
I walked out and miserably screamed, "Look what she's done to the driveway! I'll never be able to clean this up!"
My dad came out and said, "Where's that kid run off to now? Oh well. Hey, by the way Ralph, have you seen my shotgun?"
My mom came to the window, "Is every thing all right?"
She ran as fast as she could. Finally the truck stopped at a red light. She ran up to the driver's side, held the shotgun to his head, and said, "If you don't die by the time I count to five somebody is going to find bits of your brain all over this truck. 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . .
I brought the mirror over to my dad and held it up to his face. He looked at himself. Then his face turned dark green and he did the human equivalent of barfing.
B o o m !
"THE DRIVEWAY!"
"MY DAUGHTER!"
"OH MY GOSH!"
Luckily the gun was loaded with blanks. The shot kicked my sister back 20 feet away from the truck. As the driver fainted, the truck slowly started rolling. As it rolled into the intersection two gas tankers coming from opposite directions simultaneously plowed into the truck.
KABLOOEY!!!
Red and purple pieces of partially digested food oozed from somewhere in his extremely dark green face.
Then I woke up. This time I was soaked from head to foot with sweat. I jumped off the side of my new bunk bed and went to the mirror. Yep! I was definitely awake.
CHAPTER 4
Everything seemed to be black and white. I looked around and saw a man to the right of me with the look of horror frozen on to his face. Ahead of me a big brown smiley face jumped out of a closet door. Well, it didn't exactly jump because it had no body. On my left there was a large sign that read, "Big Joe's blank factory."
Then I stopped day dreaming and thought, "What the heck was I thinking about?" I shook myself awake as my friend Joe reminded me it was my turn. We were in front of the T.V. like couch potatoes playing Flurry's Smiley Adventure. My big yellow flurry jumped out of the starting door and I began bouncing on the evil potato head mutants.
Then our faces simultaneously turned pale with blank expressions as an evil face appeared on the screen and the video game faded into the background. We both knew that face and we both hated it.
Besides all of the static the faces looked like my older brother Mike. We sat thinking for a while. I figured out that he must have been playing with my dad's new invention, the Super Broadcaster 10,000! This device was made to broadcast a signal over every wavelength used for telecommunication. This means that everyone watching television, teleconferencing units, communicating computers, the presidential broadcasting channel and every astronaut trying to get a hold of their grandmothers would see my brother's demented face on their screen.
Joe and I ran over to the ladder in the middle of the living room and climbed up into the loft where Mike was reciting his 3rd grade math test, which he failed.
If you can or can't remember my name is Ralph. If you do you will remember my brother Bart. We didn't talk much about Mike in part one because he was at some weird boys camp.
Right now Bart is hanging out with his friends somewhere celebrating the beginning of summer vacation. So, I'm stuck here with my brother Mike.
I ran over to the wall and unplugged the Super Broadcaster 10,000 as Mike went into his Ren and Stimpy routine singing "Happy Happy Joy Joy." He was still jumping up and down when I walked over to him and stuck the plug in front of his face.
"REN!!," he yelled, "YOU STUPID IIIDIOT!!" I quickly explained to Joe that my brother had a problem of talking to himself.
"Let's go finish that game," I said to Joe as my brother began the Jeopardy theme song.
Later that day while eating lunch I found myself staring at the wall thinking about the project I had started. I had dropped "Operation Pluto" a few days after I started it because my pre-school teacher had swamped me with homework. "Well," I thought, "no more teacher, no more homework." This was the perfect time to restart an old hobby. I inhaled the rest of my lunch because my goal was to have the ship ready by dinner which meant I would need all the time I could get.
5 minutes later I was standing on the first floor of the garage trying to remember what I had done with Bart's rocket. As I thought back I remembered that incident of Bart's mysterious "Yo-Yo-Butt." I giggled a little then remembered that I had placed the rocket under the garage just before Bart had slammed the door in his own face.
I went over and pulled up the loose floorboard and peered into the damp, dark, and stinky crawl space under the garage. The ground of the crawl space was about a foot under me which was just one inch beyond my finger tips. I knew I was going to have to go down there so I walked over to my dad's tool case, which looked more like a dresser, and pulled out the flashlight drawer. There are a lot of different flashlights here but I took the one with the squeeze handle generator because I didn't want to take the chance of any wimpy batteries running out on me while I was down there.
I gave it a couple practice squeezes and found that it worked fine. "Here we go," I spoke aloud as I took in a deep breath and almost chocked to death! I tripped around like a retarded zombie, trying to find a gas mask. I found one in a big cardboard box under a bunch of spray paint cans. I put it on and as I closed the box I also noticed a paintball gun and tons of paint balls! I closed the box, walked over to the open floorboard and jumped down.
The floor came up to about my stomach. I reached down and felt around but couldn't find the rocket! I gave the flashlight a few squeezes and saw that it wasn't there! "Well DUHH!" I said. I just remembered that I had put everything back in the bathtubs after my encounter with the alien. I ducked down just to see what was under this stinky place.
I gave my flashlight a few squeezes and looked around. I didn't see much, just a boring, desolate crawl space. I turned around and was amazed to see a small square of bright light shining on the ground. I crawled over to this spot and looked up to where the light was coming from. It was a long brick tunnel that must have opened on the roof because I could see the bright blue sky. I had always wondered why there was a chimney on the garage. The walls of the tunnel were covered with a bright green, soft moss that looked unique. I could almost feel it without even touching it. "I bet I could use this for something," I thought.
I crawled back over to the loose floor board, climbed up and replaced it. I walked over to the bathtubs and saw that the scotch tape, rocket, string, and T.N.T. were still there.
"O.K." I thought, "Now there is only one problem left: oxygen on my way to Pluto."
CHAPTER 5
Dear Diary,
This new diary idea rules! I wonder if I'm just wasting my time? Anyway, UH, what the heck am I supposed to write here? Maybe it says inside the front cover or something. Nope, guess not. Well, I've got nothing better to write about than my dumb project so here it goes...
I won't bore you with the details 'cause I'm probably the only person that will ever read it. So I've started this project I call, "Operation Pluto."
STATUS REPORT:
Materials: need air supply
Construction: hasn't begun
Launch: Negative
Distance traveled: NA
Time spent on project: 3 days 2 hours
Estimated time 'till completion: 2.5 days
My goal is to complete the countdown by dinner time so I should get working! Bye!
Believe it or not I'm bored. Thinking that a nice short game of Flurry's would wake me up, I clomped down the stairs and plopped myself down in front of the TV. After playing for 15 minutes I became so frustrated with level 15,892 I began repeatedly throwing the controller at the TV while energetically swearing as loud as possible and pounding my fists on the floor. Thinking that a cold shower might work a little better than this **** ******* piece of **** video game, I stripped off all of my clothes and stepped into the bathtub.
I turned the cold water all the way up and let the ice cold water trickle down my back. I figured while I was at it I might as well wash up a little. I reached for the shampoo bottle and as I picked it up I realized something. I turned the bottle upside down and let all of the shampoo ooze out into a big pile on my feet.
You have just witnessed the infinite creativity of a first grader transforming an ordinary shampoo bottle into a re-breather.
With the excitement of this progress still fresh, I jumped out of the shower and dried myself off. By the time I got to the garage it was already getting dark.
I dragged the tubs with everything in them over to the loose floor board. It was a good thing that these were light bathtubs. I pulled up the floor board and got under the floor. After I pulled the tubs over to the chimney I noticed two things at once. The first thing was that I didn't choke to death when I came down here and the other, well, that moss stuff was gone. Man, I was getting tired. I put the tubs upright under the chimney and set the rocket on top of them. I grabbed the string and ran it through the holes I had punched in the fins and tied it into a knot to the tubs. I made sure the rocket engine was in place and climbed into the tubs.
I had the launch controller wire run through one of the drains. I pulled the tubs closed by pulling on the drains and sealed them shut with the scotch tape. I began the countdown, "5...4... dang what comes next? Hmm let's see 1...2...3!! Here we go.. 5...4...3...2...1... zero!" I pushed the launch button until I could hear the roar of the engine as the tubs began to shake violently. It was slow at first, but the tubs began to slide up the chimney faster and faster. The sides of the tubs began to get hot. I looked out one of the drains and saw my house get smaller and smaller. Pretty soon it was hard to pick out my neighborhood then the city the country, pretty soon I would see the whole continent. After a while the air began to get thin so I put the shampoo bottle in my mouth.
I pulled out my diary and a pencil that I had brought a long.
Dear Diary,
I'm under way and everything is running smoothly. The cockpit of my new space craft is cramped but I'll manage. I think I'll name it now. How about 'We come in peace, NOT!!." There. I'll have to find a way to write that on the side sometime.
Status Report:
Materials: Full
Construction: complete
Launch: Affirmative
Distance traveled: outer atmosphere
Time spent on project: 3 days 5 hours
Estimated time 'till completion: 2.2 days
I can't wait to meet some Plutotians! I've done a lot for one day and I'm really pooped so I'll write later. BYE!
I put down my diary and closed my eyes...
The next day I woke up, except I didn't wake up the way I usually wake up. I woke up on the ceiling, which was really strange because I usually wake up on the floor!
CHAPTER 6
You've got to admit that it's not every day that you wake up and find yourself upside- down in a bathtub with a shampoo bottle in your mouth! I looked around. I didn't see anything. Out of all the things in the universe I could have forgotten, I forgot my darn flashlight. I felt around for one of the drains. "Ahh! There it is." I grabbed it, pulled myself over, and stuck my face in it. "Way cool, there's Uranus!" When I got bored looking at it I grabbed my pen. I tore off a piece of tape that was holding the tubs together and pushed them apart. I pushed my self around to the outside and began writing the name of my ship, "We come in peace, NOT!!!"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. I looked over my shoulder and there was Pluto! I swung myself around, back inside, and secured the tubs together with the scotch tape. I looked out one of the drains and watched as the tiny planet came closer and closer! When it was close enough for me to see it (or when I thought it was) I saw that it wasn't really a planet at all! What I saw looked like a big, fuzzy, neon, smiley face! The strange part was that I couldn't see what was making the light. It looked like someone had taken a huge ear of corn, bent it into a smiley face, then shoved a light bulb in it! I braced for the impact by holding on to the drains. The ship sliced into the surface of one of the eyes and came to a stop with a loud CRASH!
After I had made sure I was in at least five pieces, I opened the tubs and stepped outside. "One small step for man, uh sorry, no jumping here, not enough gravity." I looked around. Somehow I didn't like what I saw. I was mostly interested by looking down, at what I was standing on. I couldn't see what I was standing on. About 20 feet below me there was a huge ball of fire. I looked around again and saw the edge of the eye about 10 feet away. I walked over to it, slowly, as if blind. The surface of whatever my feet were touching seemed to be very smooth. When I got to the edge of the great void I tried to decide if there was actually something there or not. My big clue was the sky. It seemed as if there was a horizon in the distance. Not like a horizon on earth, this was just a distinct line where the stars disappeared.
I carefully put one foot out in front of me and took a big step. This surface seemed to be the same as the other, only I couldn't see the huge fire ball from here.
Suddenly I heard a loud voice booming all around me, "I've been expecting you."
I didn't pay any attention, I figured the voice must have been talking to someone else.
"Do you have an appointment?" the voice asked.
"No I..."
"What is your business here?"
"I, uhm ... just sight seeing."
"What is your name boy?"
"Ralph."
"Well Ralph, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I was wondering, could you tell me what this is I'm standing on?"
"What do think boy? That's me you're standing on!"
"Who are you?"
"I am David, first of the Plutotians. But, I guess you wouldn't understand. Let me explain to you how I came to exist."
"It all started way back in 2007," the voice began, "when Charon, Pluto's only moon, crashed right into Pluto. The force of the impact caused enough friction to ignite the methane of Pluto's surface. The methane, burning with the frozen oxygen, turned Pluto into a huge gas oven. After burning a few seconds the huge ball of fire had heated its core to millions of degrees. Unknown to your puny scientists on Earth, the core of Pluto was made of hydrogen. It was only a matter of seconds after the collision that Pluto went off like an H-bomb the size of the U.S. The force of the explosion was estimated to equal about 500 murphies. Then, only a few seconds after that, a nuclear-interstellar displacement took place. This rare reaction, also know as a solid nuke, is the interaction between nuclear fusion and interstellar matter. Because solid nuke is fueled with interstellar matter, a very erratic element, the result is the production of mellar. Mellar is a substance that, like interstellar matter, can bend, distort, and totally absorb light."
"As you might have already guessed, I am made of mellar. Because of mellar's extremely high melting point, I can contain solid nuke while supplying it with interstellar matter."
"Uh yeah... Whatever," was my reply. "You obviously didn't invent english, so who are these people that estimated the force of the nuclear explosion and named the substance mellar?"
"Yes I have been in contact with other intelligent life forms. They call themselves the 'cowpies'. They got here much the same way you did."
As he blabbed on about his past I slowly made my way back to the spaceship. I found the stick of T.N.T. and examined it. "Good thing it's self lighting," I thought. I threw the stick over my shoulder as I stepped into the ship. I figured that the blast would be enough force to get me on my way. I taped up the tubs. "Operation Pluto is complete."
GLOSSARY
Plutotians: Any being that lives on Pluto
Murphy: Unit of measurement for force
Nuclear-Interstellar Displacement: Also known as a SOLID NUKE, it is a nuclear reaction caused when fusion comes in contact with interstellar matter.
Solid Nuke: Slang for NUCLEAR-INTERSTELLAR DISPLACEMENT.
Mellar: A very strange substance. It can bend, distort, and totally absorb light. It is just like interstellar matter except for its density and high melting point.
Cowpies: Alien civilization that once contacted David.
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